As my son cried and called out from the other room in protest of bedtime, I admit I delayed and tried to ignore him and continue my project. It escalated. I waited, then my daughter started in. Frustrated, I put down my things and went into their room. It was almost painful to be in there amidst all the hollering and crying. Jack was most upset, and I went to him first. I sat next to him and tried to calm him down. I wasn't sure what to do. I had a desire to stay strong - to have my first attempt be successful and resisted this idea that I would have to come back again once I'd already left. Most of all I had so much else I wanted to do besides explain again why he needed to be in bed at that time. It was getting late and I hoped to be able to sleep at some point (of course I'm up late writing about the whole thing). I tried talking with Jack after he calmed down some and asked him why he was crying, through sobs he told me he was scared and he couldn't sleep. I tried some more though the light at the end of the tunnel seemed to be dimming... and Renee was becoming more upset every moment - I felt I couldn't do it. I cried. I cried and desperately prayed “what do you want me to do?” almost angry, and feeling sorry for myself.
After a few good sobs of my own, I sat up and talked more to Jack. I said, "look at the pretty lights" (he has stars on his ceiling, cast from a unique nightlight) and "listen to the music" (Primary Children's songs). I was suggesting what I wanted him to focus on. Results rarely appear right away - but I think in the long run it helps. He insisted he wanted to come to my bed. I told him it would be lonely and dark now because I wasn't in there. Renee was screaming by this point. I looked up, again overwhelmed. I didn't want to pick her up, I'd already put her in bed. (Where did I get this notion that I will ruin her if I pick her up once I've put her down? I don't know but it's kind of overdone and most often it doesn't really work) I continued to pray and plead in my heart. My daughter was asking to be held, and as much as I didn't want it to be, I knew in my heart that was the answer. I picked her up and could tell she had wet her diaper through her pajamas.
I was surprisingly relieved because that was a problem easily fixed. I pulled her out of the crib and lay her on the changing table. I then realized I had to go get a new diaper from the dryer. As I walked across the house I continued to ask Heavenly Father “what do you want me to do?” feeling like it was, once again an impossible task, resentful I was taken away from the other “important” projects I had going... walking past the mess in my home which erupted that day, and the piles of half-finished projects that I didn't have time to finish or put away, the mountain of dishes.... “how can I do it all?” The answer quietly came to mind – organization, planning, and priorities. I knew these answers. I know, I've been working hard at it – I'm just not there yet! The truth resonated within me... I was not being chided, but reminded that yes I was trying, and I just wasn't there yet. Oh. I've not yet mastered it and that is why all the fuss about it. I walked back into the room with the diaper with a new lesson but still feeling like I wanted compassion and empathy, comfort from the Lord in my struggles and my perceived emotional turmoil. After I diapered and dressed Renee, I brought her to the rocking chair.
As I went I realized the key to me getting compassion was for me to first show it to my children. They were crying out and needed my love. I nursed my daughter and she soon fell asleep. It all fell into place once I put forth the effort. I put her in her bed. I started for the door, still somewhat fixated on the project waiting for me on the kitchen table, and I noticed Jack's legs twitching anxiously under his blankets. He had quieted down, but wasn't asleep. I sighed and released my other ideas about business.... and walked over to his bed. I knelt beside him. He said in a soft voice, “Mama I want you to lay with me for a little while”... and he repeated himself while I thought about it. Time. All it takes is time. Why am I so resistant to the time? Where else do I need to be? What else do I need to do? I did climb into bed beside him. He put his arm around me and touched his head to mine and my heart warmed over as I felt his love. I needed this too This was the comfort and the love I was looking for. Mamas need their babies and babies need their mamas. He was soon fast asleep.
"Disciples of Christ throughout all ages of the world have been distinguished by their compassion. … In the end, the number of prayers we say may contribute to our happiness, but the number of prayers we answer may be of even greater importance. Let us open our eyes and see the heavy hearts, notice the loneliness and despair; let us feel the silent prayers of others around us, and let us be an instrument in the hands of the Lord to answer those prayers” (President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency “Happiness, Your Heritage,” Liahona and Ensign, Nov. 2008, 119, 120).
